-5:15 AM…woke not knowing where I was, hands shaking, head jerking. Laid in bed for 10-15 mins til I could stand
-6:00 AM…carefully poured a bowl of cereal, with banana and milk. Ate it and made a cup of ½ decaf
-6:15 AM…1/4 gram of legal pot to stop last of shakes. Put garbage out. Back to sleep
-8:00 AM…woke again. No shakes, but fight/flight/freeze from nightmares/flashbacks. Wait for heart rate to drop, deep breathing to try and ease the panic
-10:00 AM…panic at barely manageable levels, but exhausted from earlier shakes and high tension from fear (panic). Check email, online work available but too fatigued. Back to sleep
-11:30 AM…logged on to employer’s website (part time online job). Only worked an hour before shakes again. Logged off
-12:30 PM…lunch. Meal replacement from Walmart (too upset for solid food). Tried to go for a walk, but was threatened by gang of crack addicts. Scared back in the house, back to sleep
-1:45 PM…woke again, some shakes and panic from more flashbacks
-2:00 PM…Started trying to find a therapist I can afford.
-3:30 PM…couldn’t look any more, quit after finding only two in town who do EMDR
-4:00 PM…had a rest for a few minutes, then did dishes
-5:00 PM…some more therapist searching (no more luck). Steamed veg for supper and laid down
-5:45 PM…woke with more panic, from a different flashback (seriously traumatized at three points in my life, 6-9 years old(parental), 8-17 years old(bullied in school) and 45-54 old(abused by spouse). Lots of flashbacks….
-6:45 PM…supper (potato [with mould cut off], cheap frozen veg, chicken leg). As usual, couldn’t taste anything
-7:00 PM…nighttime shakes, extreme depression, start to wait for bedtime
-8:15 PM…try to work again, missed it. Watch tv
-11:00 PM…finally bedtime. Take my insulin and nighttime meds…go to bed and try to sleep.
Just an average day, no thoughts of self-harm, no big tearful breakdowns…no point. Tomorrow, the next day…it’ll be a different story…
Life in Canada 